These patients are so stupid that we can’t believe their stories are true

Nurses, doctors, and other healthcare professionals see people at their most vulnerable, their most courageous, and their most idiotic.

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The following stories are all 100% true and have been recounted by healthcare professionals left dumbfounded by how, well, dumb some people can be. To readers of a more delicate, squeamish disposition, be warned, the following not only recount tales of complete idiocy but there’s also some pretty disgusting stuff in there, too.

15. The unfathomable mysteries of pregnancy.

One doctor was confronted by a distraught patient who had recently discovered she was pregnant and just couldn’t understand why. After much discussion, the patient revealed that she was on the pill…but she only took it on the days she was sexually active.

14. It’s not the size that matters, it’s what you do with it…and please don’t do this.

A teenage boy turned up at an ER with discolored and severely swollen genitals. In an attempt to increase the size of his penis he had been taking blood from his arm and injecting it into his genitals using his mother’s insulin needles. He was in the hospital for about a week while the infection was treated. We hope he had medical insurance, as this is a pretty stupid reason for contracting hospital debts…

13. You can’t choose your parents.

When paramedics arrived to treat a child with an extremely high fever, they discovered the baby screaming and crying uncontrollably. The baby’s distressed parent couldn’t explain why their child kept crying and couldn’t be soothed. The paramedics explained that it probably had something to do with the child having lemon juice in their eyes. The poor baby’s parent had been squeezing lemon on its forehead for half an hour because they thought it would help with the fever.

12. When your waters breaking all over the floor is the far better option.

A heavily pregnant woman turned up at an ER with her genital region badly cut and requiring stitches. The patient was a realtor and had been horrified by the idea that her waters may break while she was showing prospective buyers around a property. To deal with this eventuality, the patient had put a glass cup in her underwear. Then she had sat down.

11. When a patient’s painful eyes leave their doctor with a headache.

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During a young doctor’s ER internship, they met a patient who had been suffering from sore, red eyes for a few days. The problem was getting worse but the patient just could not explain why they would have such sore eyes after never having any trouble with them before. However, when the doctor put dye in the patient’s eyes as part of their exam, they discovered that the patient had contact lenses on. Apparently, they didn’t like the color of their eyes so they had put colored contact lenses a few days back and had worn them ever since, not even removing them at night.

10. More unfathomable mysteries of pregnancy.

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A fertility specialist met with one unhappy couple that had failed to conceive despite trying for more than two years. The specialist asked the couple all the typical questions but things just felt a bit weird. So, they asked a fundamental question when it comes to conception: did the man ejaculate when his penis was inserted into his partner’s vagina? A look of confusion passed over the couple’s faces and a long lesson about the birds and the bees ensued.

9. A case of mistaken identity.

A patient, smelling quite strongly of cigarettes and alcohol, rushed into the ER with their hand covered in a blood-soaked towel. It took a while to calm them and treat the many lacerations on their hand. The patient explained that after lighting a candle they’d found on the mantelpiece, they’d used it to light their cigarette. It wasn’t a candle, of course, it was a substantial firecracker, an M-80. Luckily, the patient had managed to light their cigarette before the firecracker exploded in their hand.

8. Birth control isn’t just a woman’s responsibility.

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When visiting the local pharmacy, one patient was surprised to learn that the pharmacist could not refill her 28-day birth control prescription because the last prescription had been filled less than a fortnight before. She’d run out. To effectively prevent pregnancy, she and her male partner were both taking the pill.

7. The hidden side effects of medical testing. Very hidden.

A tonometer is a device used to test for glaucoma by checking the internal pressure of the eyes. It is a standard exam known as the ‘puff test’ but one patient was having none of it. Apparently, the patient’s father, uncle, and brother had all been given the tonometer test and then had all been diagnosed with glaucoma despite having no symptoms beforehand. When the optician explained that glaucoma is symptomless until you finally begin to go blind, the patient was unmoved. The evidence was clear: the puff test gave you glaucoma.

6. Even babies need a little pick-me-up…apparently.

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At a routine check-up for a woman’s six-month-old, the doctor noticed that the baby’s bottle appeared to be filled with chocolate milk. As the doctor tried to tactfully explain that infants really should not be drinking chocolate milk, the mother was quick to correct the misunderstanding. ‘It’s not milk, it’s coffee! It’s his favorite.’

5. Going out with a bang.

This story comes from a forensics department, which discovered that the two deceased being examined, a couple, had died because the male had inserted a cable into his anus before sex. The man, an electrician, had apparently wanted an extra jolt during him and his partner’s love-making. They were both killed. They should definitely get a Darwin award; it doesn’t take a degree in electric engineering to know it was a really stupid idea.

4. An innovation in treating low blood pressure: fast food.

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One patient was more than happy to explain their ingenious treatment for low blood pressure to one bemused doctor. The patient’s plan involved increasing their intake of fatty foods. This would then cause their blood vessels to reduce in size and would thus increase their blood pressure. Nope, still not a treatment…

3. Have you ever heard of ‘half-regular soda’? Us neither.

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A diabetic patient was discussing their sugar intake with a doctor at their local clinic. The patient explained that every day they drink a 32-ounce soda. When asked if it was diet or regular, the patient replied ‘half-regular.’ Upon further investigation, it turned out that the patient was allowing the ice in the drink to melt so there would be less sugar in it. Nope, that doesn’t count as a treatment.

2. Monkey see monkey do.

When a child came into the hospital with very high levels of blood glucose, the doctor saw this as a teachable moment. After educating the child about the importance of a good diet, they were kept in hospital for observation for a couple of days. However, despite being treated appropriately, the child’s blood glucose levels remained stubbornly high. Well, that happens when the patient’s parents bring them fast food for every meal and then hide it from the medical staff…

1. Don’t have a thermometer but do have an oven? Problem solved.

A nurse was alarmed to hear from a parent that their baby had a fever of 250 degrees. As they didn’t have a thermometer, the parent had turned on the oven and compared the heat in the oven with the heat from their child’s forehead.